Confession
by TurboLoverBOP
Summary: Sequel to Desperate Times, Desperate Measures


CONFESSION

I fully intended on drinking but I didn't think I'd drink as much as I did. Normally I'm one of those people who can gloat about holding their liquor, but this time I spent a lot of time getting to know my toilet.

It's been a few days and not once has anyone called me, and by anyone I mean Dinah. I may have spent the past few days in a drunken stupor but I distinctly remember telling her to call me when Barbara woke up. But as I splash cold water on my face I stop and wonder...maybe she's hasn't woken up.

I look up into the mirror above the sink. I look as good as I feel. Bracing my hands on the sink I lower my head and squeeze my eyes shut as my mind tries to shake out the alcohol and clear a path to coming to terms with what had happened a few nights ago.

I take in a deep breath and slowly exhale as I turn and walk towards my bedroom. Limping is more like it, actually. That was another perk of being drunk off your ass - you couldn't feel pain. Lowering myself down onto the bed I grit my teeth against the annoying throb coming from the knife wound in my thigh. I can already tell it's heading for infection because I haven't been taking care of it. Hell, I haven't been taking care of myself inside or out lately, now I'm paying the price.

Leather pants are sexy as hell, but they're a bitch to take off when they're wet or when you've got a nasty leg wound. The pants are trashed anyway, since Alfred tore them even more in order to get at it, so I just toss them in the barrel after they're finally off.

If Barbara were to look at me right now she'd be disgusted because even I'm disgusted with me. My entire right leg is caked with old, dried blood because this is just another piece of evidence that I checked out of reality a few days ago.

I hobble back into the bathroom and start the shower. Propping my foot up on the toilet seat, I take a good look at the wound. It's seeping a little blood and the flesh around it is various shades of purple and red. It doesn't look very healthy and I'm hoping a hot shower will erase some of the neglect.

Stripping off the rest of my clothes, I climb into the shower and shut my eyes as the warm water consumes me. I lean against the wall and hiss slightly as the hot water reaches the wound, burning it. Part of me wants it to burn to serve as punishment for what I did but the other part of me wishes it would stop because I didn't intend to do what I did.

After a long shower, I got out and wrapped a towel around me and padded back into the bedroom to put on a fresh set of clothes. Then...I heard my comm click on.

:: Huntress. :: It wasn't Dinah, it was Barbara.

I swallowed hard and almost tossed my cookies again because I wasn't prepared to talk to her. I hadn't even thought about what to say or how to say it.

"Oracle." I left it at that and that was even too much.

:: Can...can you come here::

Her voice was fragile and cracked. All I could think of was how she looked when I first saw her on the train - how broken she was. "Um, yeah. I'll be there in a little while."

:: Thank you. ::

The comm clicked off and my heart was just about beating a hole through my chest. I finished getting dressed and then headed to the Clocktower.

I didn't think about anything on my way because I didn't want anything I said to seem rehearsed. I wanted to be honest with her.

When the elevator doors opened, Dinah was sitting at the computer doing her homework. "Helena."

"Where is she?"

"In her room. Alfred moved her there this morning."

I saw her get up, as if she was going to follow me. "Sit," I said, almost as if I were instructing the family dog. "It's best if you stay out of this."

"Oh, like you continuously want me to do! You never told me about anything that happened the other night. I could have helped and you never called to..."

I stopped and turned towards her, my fists clenched by my sides, "I am in no mood to deal with you right now. You and I will have this discussion later, but right now I have something more important to take care of." I turned back and continued walking, listening to Dinah huff and mumble as I walked away.

The walk to her bedroom felt longer than usual and my stomach was knotting with every step. I reached out and knocked on the door lightly.

"Come in."

I slowly opened the door and walked inside, shutting the door behind me. She was propped up on a bunch of pillows and I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor beside her bed.

"Helena!" she said with a smile.

I smiled back, thankful and almost relieved that she was at least happy to see me. But I didn't allow myself to get too caught up in her pleasantry because I could bet the bank she had no idea what I was going to tell her. "Looks like Alfred is taking good care of you."

She patted the side of the bed next to her. "Sit down, I want to make sure you're okay."

I sat down and she began the poking and prodding process. "Stop," I said as I took her hands into mine, "You're the one that needs the bedside manner, not me. I'm fine."

"Alfred told me he...he stabbed you." A single tear rolled down her left cheek.

I shook my head, "It's nothing, really. Don't worry about it. Alfred took care of it."

"I know he did, but have you? I know how you are with these things."

"Barbara, stop it. You need to focus on yourself and resting and..."

"Please! Just let me fuss over something else other than lying here thinking about...about him." The tears began to fall and there was nothing she or I could do about it.

I'm horrible with comforting situations and try to avoid them as much as possible, but I couldn't run away from this one. I held her hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'm so sorry, Barbara."

She snuffed some of her tears away. "I loved him and I trusted him. I told him everything. I told him about you and about Dinah and Alfred."

So that explains him knowing me when he came through on the monitor. "It's not your fault, Barbara."

"It is! It's all my fault. I put myself in danger and I also put you, Dinah and Alfred in danger." She shook her head back and forth as she cried, obviously beating herself up inside. "I've been doing this for so long you'd think I'd know better."

"Barbara, you've been at this so long you've never let anyone get close to you. There has to be some point in your life where you trust someone and let them in and get close."

She smiled and chuckled slightly, "Look who's giving me advice about trust."

"I know, huh?"

"I'm sorry, Helena. I'm sorry that..."

"Stop. You shouldn't be the one apologizing." I threw it out there and after the words came out of my mouth I wasn't sure my brain was ready to back it up.

"Huh?" she asked, visibly confused, and it wasn't from her meds.

For some reason I then tried to back out of it. "Nothing, I should let you get some rest. We can talk more about this later when you're feeling stronger."

I got up from the bed and she grabbed my arm tightly. "Helena? Talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. We can..."

I felt her grip tighten, "What is it?"

I swallowed hard and paused for a moment in an effort to gather my thoughts. Then the words started flowing and there was no turning back. "After I found you and brought you to Alfred, I took off after Wade. He and I fought for a while, that's when I was stabbed."

"Helena, I know, Alfred told me."

"No, I don't think you know what happened after that."

"After?"

I knew she didn't know. There was no way in hell the old man would tell her. He knows all too well that it's even more punishment for me to have to tell her to her face.

I moved away from her and it was just as bad as saying it because she saw through it. "You didn't," she mumbled.

"I didn't mean to." I tried to defend myself but I could see the hurt in her eyes and it wasn't from her injuries.

"Oh Helena." She said my name in a cracked, disappointed voice.

"He would have killed you, and I'm not saying that as an excuse. After he stabbed me I fell and kicked him in the face. I hit his nose and it must have broken it, sending the bones fragments up into his brain. I...I didn't do it on purpose." She didn't answer me and refused to look at me. I knelt down beside the bed, "Seeing what he did to you both physically and mentally angered me, I'm certainly not going to deny that. And hell, I may have even threatened to kill him but I know how you feel about that and I didn't set out to kill him."

Still not a word.

I shrugged my shoulders as I stood up. "I don't know what else you want me to say. I'm sorry? I'm not sure that I'm entirely sorry for killing someone that almost killed someone very important to me. Do you understand that?!?"

Still nothing.

Now I was irritated. "Fine. I've said all I need to say so I guess I'll go. You know where to find me if you need me, that is if you still want me around." I turned and walked towards the door. As soon as my hand hit the doorknob I heard her voice behind me.

"Wait."

I stopped and dropped my hand by my side but I didn't turn around.

"I need you in my life, Helena."

I turned around and slowly walked back towards her.

"I don't agree with what you did and I may never, but I believe you when you say you didn't intend to do it."

"Why did you react the way you did then when I told you?"

"Because the word kill is such a strong and final word. I'm immediately remembered of the night that Joker tried to kill me and came way too close, and when your mother was killed. I guess I've had too many brushes with the word kill and part of me doesn't want anyone I love to ever have to deal with that word."

Hearing her say the word and attaching it to my mother made me lose it. I sank to my knees and sobbed. "I...I hate what we do." I flinched when I felt a soothing hand begin to rub my back. Looking up, she'd reached out to me as best as she could to comfort me.

"I know, Helena. I hate it too, but it's our destiny. I know that our lives are threatened all the time and that's something that I will never get used to or accept."

I closed my eyes and wiped my tears. "I would do anything for you. You have changed my life in so many ways and I couldn't possibly repay you.."

"Helena," she said softly as she put her hand under my chin and tilted my head towards her, "Please don't ever feel like you have to repay me or ever have to jeopardize your life for mine. I would never expect you to do that for me."

"But..."

She shook her head, "No."

"I'll tell you right now I'd never walk away from helping you, even if it meant risking my own life." She knew damn well I wouldn't and I really didn't have to verbalize it.

"Let's move past this and just learn from it."

I nodded as I got up and gave her a gentle hug. "Thank you," I whispered in her ear.

"No go on, I've got some beauty rest to get to," she said with a smile.

I smiled back and left the room, shutting the door quietly behind me. When I walked out into the computer room Dinah was still there doing her homework and looked as if she was out of breath. I stopped and put my hands on my hips. "You get it all? Or did you need me to repeat anything for you in case you couldn't hear it through the door?"

"Wh-what are you talking about?"

"You little sneak, I know you were listening. Here's a really good piece of advice that you better take...do NOT piss me off. Do NOT get up in my business and do NOT think for one minute that I am going to forget about this."

"Whatever."

"You have a lot to learn, kid."

"Will you STOP calling me kid!"

"Then stop acting like one." I turned away from her, got into the elevator and was thankful when the doors closed in front of me.

As I rode the elevator down I thought about our conversation and I knew that it would be nice if I could say that I'd never have to deal with this again, but I knew I'd probably be in this situation again. I just hope that someone doesn't kill me first.

FIN


End file.
